A warm, quiet, and sleepy night. I’m on skype with Chris, who’s attempting to draw an egg. I’m taking him down the same path I went through as a child, and as Da Vinci went through, as we all should go through when beginning our artistic studies. I’m hoping that along with his persistence and my experience, I can teach him how to draw. He has great potential, if only he’d get more in touch with his artistic side. He has the creativity in him, just not the skills, not yet anyway. But he will..I’m hoping :)

Things have been rather calm lately. Chris and I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what happens, the important thing is to be happy. Before that, we decided to take the romantic interest out of our relationship, and my mind was literally rejecting it by bumping up my depression and the number of breakdowns I get. So we concluded to just be happy. Which is working :) I’m still upset with him a bit…and I think that’s just the aftereffects of all the hurting that he and I put me through. I wonder if he feels this way at all though. Maybe. But right now, I feel comfortable. Chris is apologetic, and I am borderline unforgiving, it seems, but I’m fine, and so is he :) to a point. For the first time in a while, I finally feel okay with letting my mind run. Him too…I feel as if for once he’s finally allowing his mind to wander around a bit. Trust is a big thing, and to have something as precious as that is a simple blessing. Love is another big and beautiful thing to have…having love for someone doesn’t differ much from being in love with someone, only having love means acceptance, and being in love means all of that along with a higher levels of dopamine and serotonin, as well as attachment and possession. Loyalty and support comes in both. Having love is like all the fundamental work, being in love is like love but with lots of sweets and candy - Good for the soul but bad for the teeth. Either way, all hard work and no play gets old. How well have I accepted this? Well. It’s been this way before. For him? I don’t think it’ll be as easy.

Yet I’ve been in question lately of a few things. When do you know you love someone? How long does it usually take? With Alex, it took nearly 3 months. With Phil, it only took a week. With Chris, well, things have been different with him. I feel less of being in love with him than actually loving him. I look at him and I get conflicting thoughts. Sometimes I think of how much I want be there to support him, for a long long time. Sometimes I think of how I feel stuck around him. Sometimes his smile on that cute little face can bring me so much happiness when I’m upset. 

I noticed how closely this relationship mirrors that of my grandparents. This is good, I’ve never been so empathetic towards my grandmother…and I’m realizing that it is a blissless blessing. But a blessing nonetheless. 

Today, I got extremely upset. What’s surprising is the lack of apathy that made me upset. Normally, I wouldn’t care. Today, it mattered, and it felt terrible. I saw him, as I normally would have. He turned to me, said hi and asked how I was, then turned around and completely ignored me. A bit taken aback, I decided to stay a bit and wait for him to finish up his conversation. I walked closed to him, but he seemed to have completely forgotten I was there. Then a friend bumped into me, and I decided to walk ahead with her. Obviously he was too focused on flirting with the other girl. I wasn’t too far ahead, kept looking back to see if she’d leave. She never left. Not only that, he got to where they had to depart, and he followed her back. I had enough and decided to stop creeping on them and left. Yeah yeah, it really means nothing. Maybe not. But for some reason, it upset me so much, I had such a difficult time focusing in my entire next class. He ignored me completely, and flirted with another right in front of me. Honestly, who wouldn’t be mad?
All I wanted to do was to tell him how I didn’t want to see his face. I wanted him to be out of my presence. I was hurt by him yet again. My anger boiled so high. The usual block of apathy wasn’t there, which surprised me, as well as showed me that for a while, I’ve allowed myself to be disrespected. 
I confronted him during lunch. Trying to be civil, but ultimately failing. He retaliates and apologies. He even had the guts to say he “didn’t see me” that “I disappeared” and when he saw me again, “I was far ahead.” Well by the time he had stopped ignoring me, I’ve already been ignored for quite a bit. He apologizes and says it’s his fault. All I wanted was him to be gone. 
He can’t give me excuses as to why he disrespected me the way he did, and then say it’s his fault. He didn’t know it, but it seemed like he continued to disrespect me even when I confronted him.
I felt so wronged. The anger inside me was only worsened by him “apologizing”. The “I’m sorry’s” that I honestly couldn’t tell were sincere or not. I was hurt. Completely.

It was such a simple thing. I felt so weak. After that, I went to class and thought for a bit. I wrote whole paper on being happy, which ultimately cheered me up. I thought of the possibility of over-reacting….I convinced myself that I over-reacted. Which calmed me a little. In my paper of happiness, I wrote of forgiveness. Forgiveness is important, apologizing and letting the person know that though there’s anger, they still mean a lot to you, and losing them would be the worst. 
So we met up briefly after school and I apologized for over-reacting.
However, looking back at it now, I’m not sure if I really was over-reacting. I’ve honestly never felt so wronged by such a small thing. I look back to the past…
I think it’s the first time in a few years where I faced a situation like this, also with my lack of apathy that day, I exploded. I’m still exploding. I’m still upset, and I still think he needs to go off the ends of the world to make it better.
In my head, I’m thinking he should still be making up to me from weak of stress and pain I went. Yet here he comes, ignoring me, flirting right in front of me. Have I been made feel more worthless? Maybe. But in those cases, there was a factor of being in love, and what happened happened for the best of both, even though at the time it was unpleasant. This time, there is none of that. He straight up hurt me without knowing it. 

I guess that’s the point. He didn’t know it. Him and his clueless head.

As I walked to my next class, I had this look of obvious frustration and hurt on my face. My history teacher, being as silly as he is, made a funny remark. That silly smile instantly took off my frown, and he after he complemented my beautiful frown, he asked how I was. Half laughing at his ironic humor, I told him 18 year old boys are the dumbest thing in the world. Without a second he agreed. And agreed, and agreed. “Yep they are” he said. “They got empty heads, and they really don’t ever get any better.” To a point, he meant it, knowing that the sole purpose was to cheer me up a bit. It helped a lot. I calmed down a bit and actually got to laugh at it after he said that. 

Anyway, I’m still upset, and I can hold a grudge for a long time. It’s not the pain that lingers, it’s the grudge. He’s not doing a good job of lessening that grudge, only worsening it, as he did today…though I wonder if he’ll ever just give up one day and leave. What am I worth to put up so much stress with? This is the first time I voiced my distress…as I’ve always just held it in in the past in fear of causing trouble for the other person. Sigh, good job Angela, Your dumbass managed to dig yourself in another hole.  

Well what do I do now?